Safe

First off, for those of you who will see this when I post it, yes it is 3:30 in the morning. My insomnia is in full swing and I just had a thought so I figured I would sit down and blog about it. I am trying write when I feel the mood and to make time for it.

My children like to sleep in my living room. I do not know why. Well, yes I do. When I was pregnant with Diva, Brother was one. The easiest way for me to get him to sleep was to hold him on the couch and watch Baby Einstein Old McDonald until he passed out. (To this day, he still smiles at those muddy pigs). Keep adding babies and voila, they sleep in the living room. We started putting them to sleep in their beds when my son, then 3, yelled at a guest for "sitting your bottom on my bed!" That worked for a while but now they all like sleeping in the same room and whatever. Why am I explaining this? None of you are the Bedtime Police.

A few minutes ago, I carried Babygirl to my bed so she could snuggle up to her daddy. Also, her sister must be dreaming about being a ninja because she keeps kicking her in the face. As I picked her up, she didn't even move. Not a muscle. If someone even breathes on me in my sleep, I am alert. I jump up, blink a lot to wet my dried contacts and say "What? Who's crying? Huh?"  But not my kids. They just sink into my shoulder and snuggle up.

I think it is because they feel safe. Safe in their home with their mama and daddy. This is there safe haven. I love it that they feel like that, but it also lays a burden on me. How do I keep my children safe? What if I let them down?

The truth of the matter is, you can't keep them safe. Yes, you can cover your outlets and and lock up your guns, but you cannot protect them from everything. This past year has shown us that.

This is a hard fact of life for me to face. I have never been afraid of much (except someone hiding under my bed. Or noises in the dark. Or The Night of the Living Dead. Or It.) until I had kids. When I was little, I lived on a 300+ acre farm that I ran around on with my brother and sister all day. We could have drowned in a pond or gotten bit by a snake and no one would have known for a while. My parents were good parents. I think the main difference is they didn't know about every  freak accident like we do now. Gotta love the Internet. Every day you hear about a child dying from something so simple, like falling of the monkey bars or getting some weird virus.  Every time I see something like that, I automatically think of the mother and how she thinks she could have prevented it. I bet she feels guilty. I would. Not that she should, but as moms we tend to blame ourselves.

I am super strict with my kids safety. Just this year I started letting them play in the yard without me. Some of this fear is paranoia on my part. It also doesn't help that my husband is full of fun stories about the weirdos who live in out town. Sometimes no information is better than too much. I think maybe if your kids go to school it is a little easier because you don't witness every time they are almost gravely injured. Maybe. I don't know.

I am trying to ease up. I want them to have a childhood. I don't want to be a helicopter mom. It is hard. But I know I have to do it. I have to let them learn and figure stuff out on there own.

So yes, my kids will always have on their bike helmets. They will be in booster seats until they are 12 (not really. well maybe) But I am letting them help me around a hot stove and climb trees and walk way ahead of me in public. It may not sound like much, but I am trying. Baby steps.

She's seven

My oldest daughter turns 7 next week. It is hard for me to imagine that so much time has passed since her birth. Seven years since our first experience with the NICU. Seven years since a doctor looked at me and said she had a hole in her heart. Seven years since she came out of everything, just fine and healthy.

I see bits and pieces of myself in all my children but I find I have the most in common with this girl. Her need to mother everything, her worry for everyone's well being, her love of books, and her social nature. She has her father's gift of arguing;) She has several unique characteristics as well. Her love of fashion and her sweetness are all her own. 

She is the best big sister in the world. I often joke that she should have been born first because she acts older than her brother. She cannot stand to see any of her siblings upset. She'll do anything to make them stop. I have seen this child give up something she loves more times than I can count just so she can make one of them happy. 

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She is almost always happy. She is also always talking. She loves information about people. Okay, so she's ALOT like me.

She is so creative! She sews and draws and writes. I cannot wait to see what she grows up to be.

She honestly makes my life easier. She is very helpful and I never have to worry about what kind of mood she is going to be in. I really don't know what I did to deserve her. 

Happy Birthday to my Diva!! I love you more than you can fathom. Mama will always be here. 

Please remember to listen to your heart and to God. I hope this year is amazing!

I feel too exposed

Lately I have had a bad feeling. Blame it on a book I read or the nightly news, but I have been worried about the amount of info I put out on the Internet. I am not talking about lesson plans, or things that bug me, or book reviews. That stuff is all me. I am a grown up and I choose to share what I want. The thing is, I have a family. And I am worried about them. They have no say in what I post. At their young ages, they could care less. One day, however, they may very well care. I also worry about sick people who peruse online sites, looking for people to victimize.
Another problem I am having is I start looking at Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or reading blogs and NOTHING gets done. I will glance at my phone to check an email and the next thing I know it is 2 hours later and the kids are missing (not really). My problem is I develop what I think are relationships with people and I become invested in what's going on with them. Someone had a rough day? Let me post a funny picture to make them laugh. Another person gets a promotion? Let me congratulate them! This is all fine and good, except for some of these people I do not really know. I need to shrink my circle.
Here's my plan, I will continue to blog. I won't use the kids names on FB , Twitter or IG. I will protect them. I am trying to cut down on FB friends. If you notice I unfriended you, it is nothing personal. You can follow my little family and my craziness on here. I am cutting back on Twitter and Instagram too. This blog is supposed to be where I talk about mommy stuff and recipes and things I love. That is not what FB or any other social media are for.
I hope you will read my blog. I hope you know I am just trying to be smart. Thanks for understanding.

A Story of a Mama

Once upon a time, 36 years ago, a baby girl was born. She was the first child in her family and was well loved. She soon became the big sister to another girl and then a baby brother.

For as long as she could remember, this little girl wanted to be a mommy. She mothered her siblings. She mothered the kids in her church. She mothered the baby calves on her farm. She mothered her cousins. 

She grew up surrounded by wonderful mothers. Her own mother took very good care of her and let her be herself. She lived with her grandmother who encouraged her love of reading and teaching. Her aunts let her hold their babies and told her she would be a caring mother one day. The ladies in her church allowed her to baby sit their children and taught her to change a baby and check to make sure the bottle wasn't to warm. All of these people knew she would have children of her own one day. 

This girl always thought she would be married right after college. She wanted to have her children young. The ages of 20-25 passed without meeting Mr. Right. So, she decided to take care of other people's babies until she was blessed with her own. She was privileged to be a part of many children's lives. Her most special child was a little 2 year old girl who shared her birthday. They had a special bond from the start and soon became inseparable. 

Finally, one day, this girl, now a young woman, met the man she would soon call her husband. From their first date they discussed children and marriage. She knew he was with the one she was meant for. 

Soon after their wedding, 8 weeks to be exact, she found out she was pregnant with her first baby. She was tired a lot. She was sick a lot. She would lie in bed at night, rubbing her tummy and talking to her baby to be. When she found out it was a boy, she was elated. She had always thought she would have all boys. He arrived and she finally felt at home. A mother she finally was. 

There were things about motherhood that surprised her. Nursing was not easy. Neither was working full time and leaving him at home. He did not sleep. She was tired all the time, but she was still happy. He was a good baby and gave her the best smiles. One day, when he was 6 months old, she had been feeling a little rough so she decided to take a test to rule some things out. SURPRISE!! She was going to be a mommy, again. 

This frightened her. She felt like she was barely holding it together. She cried a lot.  She and her husband decided to do without some luxuries so that she could work part time. She spent more time with her son and became more settled. She soon found out she was having a baby girl and was very shocked. What would she do with a girl? She figured it out and all fear went away when she saw her baby girl.

Life was busy but good. There were wonderful times, but some sad ones too. She lost a baby to miscarriage. This was hard. She was good at having babies. How could she have failed this time? God soon calmed her heart and gave her another pregnancy, this time it was twins. She was overjoyed. Her joy was soon to be turned to sorrow because she lost one of her babies. She cried. She asked why. She became very sad. But then she realized she still had a baby inside her that she had to fight for, so she woke up with a new determination. She would be the most dedicated mother she could to her three babies. She decided not to return to work after the new daughter came. When she saw her on that warm afternoon in June, she knew she had made the right choice for her family. 

She was complete. She had three babies. She thought about other children, but she was afraid. What if she lost another angel? She couldn't handle that fear. God had other plans. On a chilly night in November, her youngest daughter was born. She was perfect.

This mama's body had a tough time with her last two babies, so she and her family made the decision not to be pregnant anymore. Maybe one day they will grow their family through other avenues, but it was time to give herself a rest. 

Life was good. It was a flurry of potty training, sippee cups, and Barney movies. Suddenly, she blinked and her oldest child was starting preschool. 

She was afraid to let him go. She sent him anyway and he had a good year. It was a small school. The next year it was time for him to go to Kindergarten and her next child to start preschool. That year was hard. Everyone suffered. They were tired and mad. They missed one another terribly. They were scared and lonely. This mama sat down with the daddy and made a big choice. They would home school the next year. This was scary. None of their friends home schooled. Friends and family thought they were nuts. They were being overprotective, they said. Everyone else goes to school, they preached. But she knew in her heart that just because everyone else did something, didn't mean it was right for HER family. They were the people she was responsible for. So she jumped in head first and began educating her children. 

It was better than she expected. Sure, there were rough times, but they worked through them. If they needed a break, they took a break. If they wanted to learn all day, they learned all day. The children began to thrive again. The mama was more relaxed and  rested and the Daddy was happy going to work knowing his children would be there when he returned. Life was good. 

As her baby turned three, this mama began to worry. She had never cared for older children. What would she do when they didn't need her? What if she couldn't teach them anymore? What if they started to hate her? These thoughts plagued her into the night. One day, she was reading her Bible and she came across this verse : I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

She realized she was had been worrying for no reason. Could she do this all alone? No. But she wasn't alone. She had her faith to see her through. She just had to trust herself and follow what she knew in her heart was right. Things would not be easy most of the time and their will definitely be times when she is filled with doubt. All she has to do is look into those children's big brown eyes and she knows things will be okay. She has to believe in what she always has known to be true. She was born to be a mother. 

This is my motherhood journey so far. What about yours? Did you always want to be a mom or did you figure it out after the fact? What motivates you to keep going? Share please. And have a very Happy Mother's Day. You deserve it. 

Using Office Paper

My dad works in an office and he always has lots of paper they are going to shred, so he brings me big boxes of it. This stuff is a life saver. I use it to print out coloring sheets or lesson plans. Sometimes, it has maps in it and my son loves making them into treasure maps. My daughter uses it for crafting. Her new thing is making snow flakes. My husband brings us paper and old file folders. You may know someone who works in an office setting. Don't be shy about asking for their trash!

Home Made Breakfast Sausage

I have been on the hunt for MSG-less breakfast sausage ever since I realized I was gluten sensitive. Everything was either pre-sliced or very expensive. I mainly wanted this sausage so that I could make sausage gravy. I love sausage gravy and have missed it terribly. Now that I have figured out how to make the sausage at home, I will be attempting gluten free biscuits and gravy this weekend!!

I found this recipe on allrecipes.com and tweaked it. Basically, I purchased a pound of ground pork and added these seasonings:

1 tsp ground sage

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp ground black pepper

1/8 tsp thyme

1/2 tbsp brown sugar

a pinch of red pepper flakes

a pinch of nutmeg

I mixed it well with my hands to make sure it was incorporated all through the meat. Then I made it into patties (ugly patties, I have NEVER been good at making things a uniform shape or size) and fried them up in my skillet.

These were a huge success. My kids gobbled them right up and I was not worried about any nasty preservatives!! YAY for home made!!



Pick your poison

I post a lot on here about parenting pressure. It comes from the media, church, our friends and family and complete strangers. I think the worst and most pressure, however, comes from within. The kind of stress I give myself is crazy! Here's a snippet:

Okay. Time to feed the kids. I should really make a big breakfast. Studies say it's the best way to start your day. Let's see, eggs and pancakes? Yes! Should I be buying organic eggs? I could. But they are so much more expensive. Can I put a price on their health? Am I GIVING THEM CANCER??!! Okay, calm down. Just use the eggs you have Max (my middle name is Maxine and I call myself this in self dialogue) onto pancakes. I have whole grain flour. I should use that. But then I have to find a recipe. I'll just use a boxed mix. BUT ALL THOSE CHEMICALS!! CANCER AGAIN!   Pull yourself together woman. Great now the kids are whining and starving. Here have some pop tarts. I cannot even make you a healthy breakfast. I suck.

See. Is this even helpful? And to be honest, I don't care about food ingredients. I THINK I should care because blog moms and people on FB and the Today show tell me I should.

What I am trying to say is, pick your poison. Pick the one or two things that are really important to you and focus on them. Don't let everything else that the world tells you is important push you away from the tasks you want to focus on.

For example, my two things are education and turning my kids into adults. I feel strongly about how my children are educated therefore I home school. I will read everything I can about the subject and study curriculum like a mad woman. I also want my kids to grow up to be contributing members of society. I think that can only happen if they have a sense of responsibility and know who they are. I give them chores and show them how to love others. I help them figure out their passions so that they can be happy. We spend a lot of time together as a family because I think that will help them to choose their own partner one day. These are the things I focus on.

So, your thing may be healthy foods, exercise, sports, music.. Whatever you feel is important for your family, you have to do that. Just be still and listen to yourself. You'll know. No woman can have a neat house, eat all organic, a wonderful marriage, genius children, all home made clothes and sanity. It just doesn't work. Pick your poison. Follow your passion. You will be much happier. Trust me.